I can text with my tongue
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
