can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You made out with two different species that night
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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