If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
