Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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