oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
