So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
