I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
