i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
