Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
we're chasing vodka with high fives
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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