If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
