Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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