How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
