Got a toothbrush?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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