He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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