His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also, beer. Big fan.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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