when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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