He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
