It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
