Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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