yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
