You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
