So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
