The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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