You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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Found the puke drawer
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
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A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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