Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
