I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
