Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize