you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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