trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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