20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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