I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Is it because I queefed?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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