margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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