Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
