Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just blew my weed a kiss
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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