When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
