when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
