Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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