literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
