can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
