Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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