Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
no, he came in my armpit
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
