Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
