Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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