it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
