there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
