These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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