You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
