I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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