apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
