What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
