I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
