my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
